My Biggest Fears of Marriage

It’s not that I like the topic so much, that it drives me pretty oft to write about this again and again. However, I’m at the age when the topic is frequently raised in my waking hours and sometimes I even repeat it in my sleeps.

I’ve been trying to contemplate why I’m not that eager to get married like most of females at my age and beyond. And being honest to myself after looking back and beyond, here are my discoveries:

* I’m afraid that my partner won’t be there for me when I need him the most

Just like what recently happened, father refused to drive me or lend me his car when my wallet was stolen and I needed to go back to the office to take care of my financial matters, for I kept all the documents at work simply because I spent most of my waking hours in the office. When I told mother I lost my wallet – or my whole life because I stupidly kept everything in there - instead of saying emotional supports, she said - as if she saw things in a crystal ball - I had already lost all my money both in the ATM and in the credit cards.

Not that it was impossible in a brutal city where I live in, but that’s not what I needed to hear, especially when after that I had to cruise the city streets again on a motorcycle (because it’s much faster than a cab) in a cold evening. I felt so alone and I hated the way I felt at that moment.

Sister refused to help me get a return train ticket when I visited the city she lived. She said I could just buy the ticket even nanoseconds before the train left. But I knew it didn’t work that way, for it had been an all time busy route.

Maybe I hadn’t been there for my family too, that I only deserved it.

But that doesn’t make me less afraid of my life partner won’t be there when I need him to get me a toilet paper to wipe my mouth from morning sickness, when my water breaks, when I tread on a thin line between life and death while giving birth to his seed, when I’m really busy at work that can’t cook dinner for the kids, when I need him to tell me he loves me at times I feel really low and everybody hates me, or when I feel lonely because the kids are growing up and it’s time for them to leave the house.

I’m afraid of my own expectations in a partner. I’m afraid of thinking I don’t deserve whatever I think I need in a partner.

* I’m afraid my partner would leave me for someone else, no matter how much I’ve tried to be my best

This is what I’ve heard so much around me, from celebrity news to those people whose paths crossed with mine. I more and more often listened to something like this:

Someone :I’ve been having an affair
I : Why would you do that?
Someone : I’ve been in love with her for long. I know that my wife has
been a good wife to me and a perfect mother for my children.
But I just don’t feel the way I feel with her.
I : So you’re gonna divorce your wife?
Someone : Yes, I think so, although I still don’t know how to talk to my
wife about this. The problem is she’s done no wrong!

That’s one hell of a scary thing next to the scariest scary movie ever made! I might still be able to cope a cheating - for - fun partner, because he only gives away his sperm. But I don’t even know how to react a cheating partner giving someone else a beautiful necklace wrapped with feelings.

I might get attracted to another man outside my marriage too. A man who is (probably only delusional!) everything I want in a partner and is everything my husband not. Would I ever leave my husband for him? Depends on how beautiful that necklace wrapped with feelings is! Hahaha!

* I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt the kids

Every married couple has their own problems and those problems faced might make my partner and me hate each other so much, that we file a divorce and then fight over the custody. And that, of course, inevitably put the kids in the position where somehow they’re forced to choose between their mom and dad who equally love them.