Horoscope Me

A free sample reading of how I relate to other people according to my horoscope says:

"Something in your relationship with your father aroused in you either fear or anger or both. Your relationships with men - personally or professionally - are not comfortable and when you are feeling vulnerable, you can be overly defensive or challenging."

My hands were trembling and sweat was breaking profusely as I read it. I've never really thought that my relationship with my father had actually provoked a pattern of my behaviour towards men until I read that horoscope reading.

* * *

I was always a daddy's girl, especially after my sister was born. At the age of 4, mother sort of gave all the responsibility for taking care of me to father so that she could focus more on my kid sister. Besides, being a career woman, she didn't have all the time in the world to take care of both me and my sister. It was hurt, though, because I suddenly felt my mother was being snatched away from me by my own sibling.

Since that time on, father and I were inseparable. I wouldn't sleep before I rubbed my fingers along his thick eyebrows as he read me stories from any children's books of my choice. I also didn't mind his making up stories, as long as he was there by my bed till I closed my eyes. I wouldn't eat if he didn't sit and watch me eat at the dining table. I wouldn't do my homework before he drew me any animals I requested him to draw. Those activities included a lot of hugging and kissing.

In short, father was the hero in my sky. But all that changed when my puberty started. Ever since my first menstrual blood came dripping all over my panties at the age of 12, I gradually realized that I no longer had my father hugging me. Let alone kissing me or letting me sleep alone with him without mother in his bed.

I didn't mind my sister took away my mother. But if stupid blood which I never wanted could easily take my father away, well that's too much.

I never dared to ask why father stopped hugging and kissing me other than birthdays or Christmases, though. As a girl-not-yet-a-woman, initially I thought I did something so horrible that father stopped loving me. But little did I know it was strictly cultural reasons why father didn't show me that much affection anymore as I involuntarily joined the womanhood troop. According to the culture I come from, grown up men shouldn't be too attached or explicitly show affection towards women other than his wife.

Years passed by and I silently moved on with limited amount of my father's affection until I got used to living without it at all. I rarely spent my birthday at home and since I don't practice Christianity, for the past 5 years I had always gone somewhere either with friends or a boyfriend on Christmas onwards.

Looking back, there were times I could feel father just wanted to hug me or rain kisses me more than he should. Like on my graduation day, when he read my articles on a newspaper, when I brought him gifts from my trips, when he hadn't seen me for days, when he knew I had a rough day at work, when I was sick, when he somehow sensed I just got my heart broken by a man, when it was just another ordinary day and we didn't have anything to celebrate or to congratulate.

Realizing it, I think it's not fair to blame him why I ended up making stupid jokes whenever men told me "I love you". "I love you" is too much for me, because somehow I know they would only go away. Or at least they would eventually stop kissing and hugging me without I know what I did or didn't do. Sooner or later.

"Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do" (John Mayer)