Dear P

Dear P,

after almost 2 years you coldly walked out on me, I could finally manage to close my history book with you. I don't hate you anymore (that’s one of my biggest achievements ever!).

Instead, I want to remember you simply as a man ever making one of my dreams come true. Yes, you took me to that sunflower field, where as far as my eyes could roam were only high bushes of huge, bright yellow petals bowing respectfully to the sun - the master of the universe! I won't ever forget that day, P, and I think you should know that!

I've never believed in love, P, though once in a very ancient history my subconscious might have. I don't know if I ever really loved you, but I surely felt like gasping for air when you called the things off between us. Well, maybe it’s just vehicle exhausts going into my lungs when crossing that busy street at rush hour with tears clouding my eyes. Hey, but P, no more tears for me now! You should be proud of me for that!

Just for your info, P, someone took me for granted again like what you had done. I wonder if he took a short course on How To Break A Heart from you. But at least this time this person was honest when he said he wasn’t ready for a commitment. No, I don’t want a ring wrapped around my finger, for all I need is a lifejacket when my fragile raft is sailing in an ocean so wide with tides so high. Is that too much to ask?

P, not that I care, but do you still think of me? I do, especially when I watch Discovery Travel & Living Channel and the globetrekker traveling down your fucked-up-but-beautiful-in-its-own-way country. I don’t know where you are now, but if you give me your recent address, I’m gonna send back your T-shirt and blanket you left me with. I still use them on daily basis, though, but what yours are always yours, for they’re never gonna be mine. Do not argue with me on this, just take them back OK!

Anyway, I have deleted all of our pictures together. (I hope you don't mind!) Yes, all, but the ones taken at that sunflower field. Have a good life, P, do always try to walk on the sunny side of the street!

Sincerely,

someone who still adores sunflowers even though the days of sunflower field have long gone

Funny How Miracles Work

Mindlessly leaving a wallet behind in a cab takes a serious miracle to ever have it back, especially when I don’t even know the identity of the cab or the driver. (Yes, my stupidity can get that acute sometimes!)

As the world has gone from mad to madder, so are its people, it’s far better to keep any expectations as low as (in this case) to ever see my left behind wallet again. Even if it’s eventually back to me, I don't count on ever having everything in its place before I left it. So for my own good, I just let it go! Some things are meant to be gone, anyway!

When I have let that wallet and its bits and pieces go, but then I have everything back, there must be some miracle work. But why the excitement is gone when the thing I really want finally comes true? It’s like eating cold food, no matter how good the food is.

So it’s true they say that things happen when you least expect them to. Or it happens when you don’t want them to happen anymore. Funny!

Like when how badly I wanted to live till the day my ex begged me to get back with him. But it never happened when I was still burning in scorn. Now that I’ve been officially over him, I didn’t even get excited when he started contacting me and saying sweet nothings to me again. (men!) I even didn’t care if he’s gonna ask me to get back together.

Yes, the more and more I see things just have a way of happening. I knew I wasn’t given what I really wanted when I still badly wanted it, because that way I could be really bigheaded. I would think I could rule the world because I can control things the way I want them to be.

Question of Faith

Most of adult relationships I’ve ever had are long distance. It’s funny because when I was younger, I never thought I would be willing to date someone over the ocean on a different time zone. The idea was even so absurd to me back then!

But for an adventure-hungry (international) whore like me, I then find it challenging to make a long distance relationship work. It’s tiring and involves everything extra (from expenses to patience and faith), but I think when my partner and I could survive it, we could survive any shits coming our way – though I failed many long distance relationships before!

My friends always ask if I ever get jealous or suspicious of what my partner really does across the ocean. They mean, if he’s of all time being true to me. Well, though I’m not the jealous kind, I must admit it’s difficult to give a yes/no answer. I can’t be naïve that there are never temptations or the opportunities of not being true to me - some stupid bitch living in a third world country so far way.

All I can do is blindly believe that he’s not gonna answer the temptations or grab the existing opportunities. While blindly believing, my evil-side forces me to anticipate by maintaining existing safety nets within reach. It’s my unspoken way of saying to my partner that if he cheats on me, I can also possibly do the same. He doesn’t have to know that I do have some safety nets, it’s enough for him to know that I can make men’s eyes turn to me easily, if I want to.

But I assure my curious friends that I’m not gonna start sleeping with someone else, unless my partner starts ‘the war’. I was born under Leo zodiac, so faithfulness is my forte!;-)

Religions: Overrated?

In where I was born, grew up and recently live, religions are very important. It’s so important that it has becomes someone’s status. In identification cards or certain forms, there are blanks to be filled with one out of 5 legitimate religions. If someone refuses to answer this, they would be looked down as filthy sinners.

I’ve always doubted religions. I think it’s one of the most overrated things in the world other than Amman luxurious chain hotels.

Religions were established by men and their enforcements pretty much depended on the ruling powers in certain regions at certain periods. It’s indeed a very noble objective to make religions as a means to create better lives for mankind. But when they have only caused bloodsheds throughout mankind history, can someone be blamed when they choose to leave ‘religion’ column on some form empty?

Everyone needs something to believe in and as free souls, they can believe in anything. But when someone chooses not to believe in any religion, can they be opposed and accused of not having self-goodness? When religions do injustice to certain groups, can they be blamed for escaping to other things to believe in?

Besides who are humans to judge what’s sin and what’s not in front of God’s eyes?

Welcome to the Wild, Wild East!

I was born in the East side of the globe, of course if it’s seen from the West. Since then, I have been called an Eastern who is supposed to hold Eastern cults because that’s the way I was raised and the only things known by those raising me.

What are eastern cults? Nobody can actually define them. Each person says different things, but most of them mention about secretiveness. There are a lot of things not to be said or done openly. Everyone should conceal their feelings and emotions. But until when they would do that? Like when HIV/AIDS epidemic spread, would they keep their mouth shut about sex? Or when family values gradually disappear, would they still keep from openly expressing emotions to their children?

I grew up in a golden cage because I simply never knew the harsh of the outside world. I wasn’t even equipped with the knowledge of it, that when all of a sudden I was outside the cage, I was forced to find ways to survive there all by myself. I had to find answers for everything I never knew, all by myself.

While searching for the answers, I found that the eastern cults I had always known weren’t much of a help. So I spread my wings and flew higher and on the way I kept getting new knowledge. There are a lot of cults in the world that just simply can’t be categorized into east or west. There are also a lot of things in grey area, neither merely black nor entirely white.

I’m not saying that eastern cults are bad or western cults are better. There are actually eastern cults worth carrying on, like closeness between family members or the genuine warmth of hospitality. I don’t care actually which is the East from the West, because all I do is try to cope with this crazy life in practical and logical manners. Living together before the holy matrimony, for example, is strongly opposed by the eastern values. But in a world full of failed marriages, where you are to know your partner well before saying “I do”, would that be preferably done?

I actually told my parents that I need to live together with my life partner candidate, because I wanted to make sure I could get on sharing my life with him in a long run. They, of course, didn’t agree. But it’s my life and if that’s the only way I could live it, then I have to live it. It doesn’t mean I don’t love my parents and I need them to understand that.

My So-Called Realistic Version of A Wedding Vow

Forget that traditional wedding vows full of bullshit and unrealistic expectations. In the ceremony of 2 people union, they should have the right to say their own vows. The truth, straight from the heart vows, that might even redden all the ears present at the ceremony, are so much better than lying to God, the witnesses, or worse, to yourself.

Here’s my own version of a wedding vow:

I love you… for now
I want to spend my life with you… for now
That’s why now I’m standing here
in front of everybody declaring this
I don’t know how long we’ll last
Because I might change my mind
Of not loving you anymore
Or not wanting to spend my life with you anymore
But while I still love you and want to spend my life with you
I want to make the best of it
The best so that there will be no moment
I would ever love you any less
Or would have a slightest thought to ever leave you
And replace you with somebody else

That, my friend, is what I call a true romance! Honest, no sugar coated ‘forever’ word, while you don’t have any idea whether you’re still gonna want to stick around in sickness or poor, or when someone more attractive than your spouse comes along.

"Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain..." (November Rain, GNR)

My Biggest Fears of Marriage

It’s not that I like the topic so much, that it drives me pretty oft to write about this again and again. However, I’m at the age when the topic is frequently raised in my waking hours and sometimes I even repeat it in my sleeps.

I’ve been trying to contemplate why I’m not that eager to get married like most of females at my age and beyond. And being honest to myself after looking back and beyond, here are my discoveries:

* I’m afraid that my partner won’t be there for me when I need him the most

Just like what recently happened, father refused to drive me or lend me his car when my wallet was stolen and I needed to go back to the office to take care of my financial matters, for I kept all the documents at work simply because I spent most of my waking hours in the office. When I told mother I lost my wallet – or my whole life because I stupidly kept everything in there - instead of saying emotional supports, she said - as if she saw things in a crystal ball - I had already lost all my money both in the ATM and in the credit cards.

Not that it was impossible in a brutal city where I live in, but that’s not what I needed to hear, especially when after that I had to cruise the city streets again on a motorcycle (because it’s much faster than a cab) in a cold evening. I felt so alone and I hated the way I felt at that moment.

Sister refused to help me get a return train ticket when I visited the city she lived. She said I could just buy the ticket even nanoseconds before the train left. But I knew it didn’t work that way, for it had been an all time busy route.

Maybe I hadn’t been there for my family too, that I only deserved it.

But that doesn’t make me less afraid of my life partner won’t be there when I need him to get me a toilet paper to wipe my mouth from morning sickness, when my water breaks, when I tread on a thin line between life and death while giving birth to his seed, when I’m really busy at work that can’t cook dinner for the kids, when I need him to tell me he loves me at times I feel really low and everybody hates me, or when I feel lonely because the kids are growing up and it’s time for them to leave the house.

I’m afraid of my own expectations in a partner. I’m afraid of thinking I don’t deserve whatever I think I need in a partner.

* I’m afraid my partner would leave me for someone else, no matter how much I’ve tried to be my best

This is what I’ve heard so much around me, from celebrity news to those people whose paths crossed with mine. I more and more often listened to something like this:

Someone :I’ve been having an affair
I : Why would you do that?
Someone : I’ve been in love with her for long. I know that my wife has
been a good wife to me and a perfect mother for my children.
But I just don’t feel the way I feel with her.
I : So you’re gonna divorce your wife?
Someone : Yes, I think so, although I still don’t know how to talk to my
wife about this. The problem is she’s done no wrong!

That’s one hell of a scary thing next to the scariest scary movie ever made! I might still be able to cope a cheating - for - fun partner, because he only gives away his sperm. But I don’t even know how to react a cheating partner giving someone else a beautiful necklace wrapped with feelings.

I might get attracted to another man outside my marriage too. A man who is (probably only delusional!) everything I want in a partner and is everything my husband not. Would I ever leave my husband for him? Depends on how beautiful that necklace wrapped with feelings is! Hahaha!

* I’m afraid I’m gonna hurt the kids

Every married couple has their own problems and those problems faced might make my partner and me hate each other so much, that we file a divorce and then fight over the custody. And that, of course, inevitably put the kids in the position where somehow they’re forced to choose between their mom and dad who equally love them.

The Art of Ignoring Phone Calls

It takes a strong will - and automatically a strong person- to not pick up calls from cellphones. There are certain circumstances when answering calls is strictly forbidden, for it's a deadly sin.

Okay, so you have the will, but still don't know how to resist the temptation to pick up the phone? Excercise this method regularly:

Whenever you have a forbidden call, imagine yourself in an eating-with-your-hand condition. Imagine you are eating something greasy with your hand, like curry or any delicacies with a lot of gravy. Or if it's too disgusting imagining yourself eating curry, try seafood! It's in fact better, for it requires both hands to peel prawns or to eat lobster, for example. And there's no bowl of warm water to wash your hands in sight. Get the picture? Good. Now it's your option whether to pick up the phone with both hands so greasy or to ignore it until you finish eating. The more you can fight the urge to pick it up, the better. It's not easy at first, but keep trying!

You can be really creative in this. Bored imagining food, you can imagine yourself being in a situation where picking up a phone would ruin your own fun, like one of those moments when you're really close to the big O, but then the phone is ringing. If you're in this situation, I don't think you'll even think of picking it up because humping all the way to heaven's bliss is far more worthy... right? Or not. You decide.

Results hopefully will be seen in a week or two. I can't guarantee, but it's worth the try!

The Greatest Escape: Escape From Meetings

Attending a meeting means one can't do their work. It doesn't matter if they don't have things to do. But for those having very hectic schedules and a lot of urgent work piling up on their desks, going to a meeting is definetely a waste of time. After all, with the ever increasing tasks and targets, who will still have enough free time to sit around and wait for the clock to strike 5.30 PM?

I personally hate meetings and so far I always try to escape them in anyway I can. I especially hate meetings with the Account Service Dept. Mainly it's because meetings with them are always disturbed by phone calls, SMSs and more phone calls! No wonder the meetings can last from morning till evening, which I bet they shouldn't have taken that long!

I understand that one of their job descriptions is to pick up the phones from our clienteles, but when attending a meeting, especially when it's their turn to talk, is it that difficult to ignore the phone? After all, cellphones are equipped with a feature to automatically record missed calls that they can always return the calls as soon as the meeting is over.

Let me describe what a typical meeting with the Account Service Dept. looks like:

It's a 9 AM meeting whose annoucement has just been given half an hour before. But till 9.30 AM there are only half of the participants at the premises. Then one of them would take the initiative to call up the remaining people who haven't showed up, while the rest of those already in the meeting room killing time by gossipping, or joking, or both. At 10.15 AM finally everybody shows up.

Everybody? Not quite! Because the Account Manager who is supposed to chair the meeting is still in her room talking on the phone with a client. At 10.30 finally she enters the room. Then the meeting starts. Yes, but only for 15 minutes, because not long after that someone interrupts to remind everybody that they have to order food for lunch. Then meeting is adjourned for another 15 minutes to decide which delivery service to choose. And another 15 minutes for everybody to make up their minds on what food to order.

Then the meeting starts again but everybody doesn't recall where they left off, so it has to begin all over again. Meanwhile, someone's cellphones - as if in turns-keep ringing that they keep going in and out the room to answer. Worse, the manager chairing the meeting also does the same. Only she keeps answering the phone right where she sits (or stands) instead of going out of the room, and letting everybody wait for her to finish her phone conversations.

An hour later, the food delivery comes, and since everybody has gotten hungry, they're more interested in the food than the on-going meeting. So again, meeting is adjourned for lunch. A fulfilling meal later, half sleepy and half worried about the pending works, the meeting is continued with the same phone calls stuff going on. The fastest, it is dimissed at 6 PM, but it can also last till 9 PM.

And that's why I prefer to escape meetings. Isn't that a great escape?

The Importance of Being Monogamous

Tera Patrick, a once-registered-nurse-turn-to-pornstar, in Playboy's Sizzling Porn Star says: "I'd love nothing more than to be in a monogamous relationship. I think it's very nice to be in love with someone and share your body with that one and only person forever. I think that's just an amazing wonderful thing!"

No matter how cynical I am on the subject, I must admit, she's damn right!

When faithfulness is getting rare and rare and the urge to celebrate and experience life by being promiscuous is at an all-time high, deep down inside humans always long to be in a monogamous relationship. Besides, how come you're not touched when listening to the Beatles' When I'm 64 or Kenny Rogers' Through The Years or Billy Joel's For The Longest Time?

Crazy, Little Thing Called Marriage

Marriage reminds me of a mouse trap my father puts in our kitchen every now and then. For the mice dwelling in and around our kitchen, the disgusting human food used as the bait looks absolutely irresistible.

And not many mice are clever (besides they’re driven by hunger), that not many of them realize there’s deadly steel trapping their bodies if they push their luck to get the food. The trap is there and it’s plain too see, but why do the mice still get caught and would have to die, either quick or slow, painful death - depends on which part of the body gets into the trap?

Now back to marriage. You meet someone. You believe it’s some cosmic and destiny arrangement blah blah blah. You diagnose yourself to be in love with that person that you can’t wait to spend the rest of your life with that significant other of yours. Then there’s this extravagant wedding party, as if to declare to the whole world the holy unity between you and that so-called person you love and want to grow old with.

When the honeymoon is over, little did you know that person you thought you knew inside out isn’t the same person anymore. You can’t talk anymore. You don’t bring out the best of each other anymore. Even the sex isn’t has hot as before - that if you still remember to do your spouse!:D And worse, that person you adore can really hurt you, ranging from simply having extra marital affairs, to take the kids away and won’t let you see them ever again.

So mousetrapwise, marriage is the trap, your so-called other half is the bait put in the trap, and you ... are the stupid mouse. When you are outside the trap, marriage seems to call out for you to enter. It gives you a false fantasy of living happily ever after with that person you're about to risk your life by stepping into the trap. But you're in, anyway, probably also driven by hunger to have sex in a more regular basis.

Once you’re in, you’re on a death row without possible pardon.

Reading, Should It Be A Habit Hard To Break

Reading not a habit in where I come from is because of the ever-high book prices? I don't merely think so!

There are those who actually manage to afford books or borrow them from friends or public/school libraries. If it's a matter of finding a scapegoat, we can actually blame it on the road conditions and the public transport drivers' manners in the street. Or simply, should I say the traffic conditions in general?

Modern people are getting busier and busier that they only have very limited spare time. I believe it's not they don't like to read, but it's more likely they don't have time to read. So when they find an interesting book to read, I think they would steal time to read it. The best stolen time can be on the way to or from work, especially when they don't have to drive (either they have someone else to drive for them (the filthy rich) or they take a public transport)

But the problem is, the road conditions in where I come from are terrible, even the main ones surrounded by skyscrappers. Getting on a vehicle moving on bumpy roads would terribly shake the hell out of anybody, that of course it's not comfortable to read in such condition. Not to mention when they happen to be in a public transport, they would also get sickeningly shaken because of the way the driver drives. Not to mention all those honking sounds of impatient drivers and swearing words that distract the attention - even when they only try to read a short article.

Jakarta is notoriously known for its traffic jams and actually it's a good time to steal to read. But how many of you not having to drive yourself in traffic jam's madness, or getting the rare privilege to sit comfortably in public transports at rush hours?

So let's not give the burden to improve the nation's reading habit to the Education and Culture Ministry alone, but the Transport Minstry also has to bear the share of the responsibility.

Things I Would Tell My Kids Which My Parents Never Did

1. The heart is the most fragile part of the anatomy and the mouth is the most powerful
Since a lot of people have died of a broken heart, you can kill people as easily as using your mouth by saying something hurt. Forget that semi-automatic M16 or bomb or deadly virus!

2. Don’t make people fall in love with you
Unless you’re ready to catch them when they really fall. So be careful when investing your feelings on people. You can't just hit and run!

3. People can be so cold sometimes
There are times when you smile at them, they don’t smile back at you. But since smiling is a good trick for the brain to produce chemicals (serotonin, noradrenaline, dopamine, etc) to boost mood and reduce anxiety - and it’s free, do always smile without expecting the same smile in return.

4. Life is not easy
There are always bills to pay, even if you’re a millionaire. Your private jets constantly need fuel and your chateau needs new carpets every now and then.

5. Your loved ones are the most capable of hurting you
Even on a bad day, the dogs you feed every day can possibly bite you.

6. Remember to stretch out a safety net, put on a helmet, a mask, and an oxygen tank before you jump and fall deep in love
The saying “love like you never love before” is bullshit!

7. There are no such things as unconditional love
Face it, you’ll always have to meet certain measurements to be loved (better). Even all religion beliefs teach you only the good go to heaven and the bad go to hell.

8. Be good to your Dad
Cause the reason he’s still with me all along raising you is YOU. Whatever feelings he had for me were gradually gone when I lost my interest in sex during the second month of my first pregnancy.

9. Be thankful to your exes
Cause they all somehow leave a mark in your heart - though it's only a tiny, almost invisible dot.

10. Like it or not, you will have to kiss many frogs before finally kissing a prince/princess.
There are life lessons - even in kissing frogs, so take out your note and pay well attention to pass them!

11. Happiness is a curse
When you’re too happy, sooner or later you wont be happy or less happy than before. That’s why they say: “the wheel is turning” or “with the sweet there comes the sour”. So never be too happy, though sometimes you earn it. Medium happy is good! (It also goes when you’re sad)

12. There is always someone find you attractive when you’re already in a relationship
But none when you’re single and desperate.

13. The art of losing isn’t hard to master
So many things seem filled with the intent to be lost that their loss is no disaster. So grow no attachment to all your belongings anyhow!

14. The first sexual experience is never good
So don’t expect too much.

15. Girls, beware of 28-year-old men!
Experience has it 3 out of 5 females have been hurt by men at that age. This is because 28-year-old men are like yo-yos and keep changing their minds. One time they see a future with you having a baby together and the next time they only see themselves going to a nude bar. Actually they still need to entertain themselves (as they usually have started earning good money) that requires more personal freedom. Boys, when you're 28 never ask any girl to marry you! Ever! You're not sure yet what settling down is all about.

16. You will always be judged by others all of your life

17. Keep one or two or a few (but not too many) good friends with you at handy
They're very useful to get through all the ups and downs of growing up and when you're old (especially if you're all alone), you'll always have someone to help you wipe your ass.

18. There are things you don't need to try to understand
Like how someone you used to be very close to can someday turn to a perfect stranger.

19. Deaths can cause anger sometimes

20. "I love you" comes with a lot responsiblities
Say it only when you mean it and are ready to bear all the responsibilities needed.

21. There is a certain phase of breaking up from a relationship
when you feel you're never gonna find someone better than your recent ex, no matter how fucked up she/he has been. But don't worry, cause most probably you will!

22. If you ever get married, forget those flower girls and ring bearer boy
They would only shift the attention from you - especially the bride! I don't think you want some kids to steal your thunder after all the money-sucking rented wedding attires and make-up you've paid for the big day, right?

The Name's Goods, Damaged Goods!

According to what my mother referred to me this morning , I think I would start introducing my name to people as Damaged Goods.

Someone: Hi, pleased to meet you, Miss...
Me: Goods. The name's Goods, Damaged Goods! (in James Bond's way of saying his name)

Thank you, mother! If the goods coming out of your womb is damaged, could it be possible to blame on the package carrying the goods?

Well, but then again, maybe I really am ... Damaged Goods!

When A Lover Is Also A Partner In Crime?

The answer for the question above is when meeting the parents.

Meeting the parents, especially for the first time, is never an easy business. In fact, it would involve lots -if not little - monkey business as to make a good, first impression.

Why, oh why, do we all care to give a good, first impression to our parents on someone we're dating? Is it truly safer to date someone of our parents' approval at our very aged age? We're not 5 anymore for God's sake, who would still need approval to play with a stranger kid in a sandbox at a park! But we do. At least I just did.

I just composed a scenario with a lover of mine on how we first met. We are one of those couples meeting through the so-called cyber world. (Don't most people meet their partners through the Internet nowadays ?) I know there are a lot of phony people on the Net, and it took months for us to get to know each other by having real conversations before we agreed to see each other. And I believe that somehow humans are bestowed with this special gift (call it instincts, as you may!) to sense if a person is real.

But still, I chose not to let my parents know about the real path that brought us together. My lover (somehow I prefer to refer him that, instead of the usual term 'boyfriend!:D "lover" sounds to have more intrigues, just like our affair is!) doesn't actually agree to lie about this, but he's willing to do it for me anyways.

Do You Know?

Do you ever notice that when you shit, you must pee also? (either before or after the "big event") BUT when you pee, you dont necessarily have to shit. No wonder public toilet services charge more for shitting - double than the price for pee only!

How Long, Oh How Long?

It was raining when I drove to work this morning. In the car there was some heavy-voiced woman (not Cyndy Lauper) singing 'Time After Time". When the song almost reached to the end, she beautifully improvised: "How long oh how long? Time after time..." (repeated till the song faded)

Yes, how long oh how long do I have to wait for the traffic jam?
How long oh how long do I have to go through the same shit every day?

At a greater point, I've always asked these questions myself:

How long oh how long does it take to fall in love?
How long oh how long does it take to break?
How long oh how long does it take to get over somebody?
How long oh how long does it take to fall in love again?